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The fall

It was Thursday which meant that is was the day I would talk to my biblical counselor.  I always look forward to my conversations with her.  She allows the Holy-spirit to lead our sessions.  It was nearing nine am I briefly went into the office to turn my laptop on ,as I always do every morning.  With one misstep I could feel my littlest toe stuck smack dab in the middle of my daughters little people car wash toy. With slight panic and without thinking I yelled I’m stuck.  My loving daughter ran to my aid.

I told her don’t move the toy, I’m stuck.  After a few moments I was able to dislodge my toe. The next thing I knew was I had fallen with great force flat onto my back. My breathing was laboured.  The phone rang my daughter handed it to me. Thankfully it was my counselor whom I’m sure didn’t know what to think, as I took a minute to even be able to utter anything out of my mouth.

The majority of our call was spent calming me down from my traumatic fall.  For the rest of the day I rested.  A week later my pain level was worsening.  That is when I decided a trip to the doctor was necessary.  After having x-rays it was confirmed , I  have a  compression fracture to the lumbar vertebrae of my spine.  The doctor told me he was referring me to a spine doctor in a nearby town.

My fall made me realize how fast life can change in a split second . Things that I normally wouldn’t even have to think twice about doing, have now became a struggle!  Although the fall was painful, I know and trust that all things work together for the good of those who follow Jesus!  I don’t believe that my loving Jesus made me fall.  Yet I do believe he let me fall.  He didn’t let me fall to be mean.  I feel he like any other parent needed my attention.  I like many children was simply not listening to him.  Excuses were abundant in my life.  With many of the excuses being not relevant right now in my life Jesus has my attention.  No longer is accomplishment of daily things a road block . I have to rest in who I am in him.

Most of my life has been spent measuring my worth by my accomplishments.  I had to be taken to a place where I could be  still, to see his mighty love for me. A love  that doesn’t depend on a clean house or organized cabinets.  My journey has taken an unexpected turn.  Despite  the various challenges present with my spine injury, I’m excited to see what Jesus reveals to me during this season of stillness in my life!

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Conquering perfectionism

Last Thursday I fell and sustained a compression fracture to my spine. My DR gave me strict orders to not bend, lift or pick up anything off the floor.   Rewind to earlier in the week as I was reading a friends blog on the subject of you guessed it , perfectionism.  I had enthusiastically announced in the comments that I was looking forward to conquering perfectionism along with her!

Shortly after commenting on the post , my life went back to normal.  Life was sailing along smoothly . Routine was settling in I was staying caught up on doing my dishes and laundry. The usual daily complaints were made about how little time I had and how much-needed to always be done!  Out of nowhere came the fall that changed my perspective on numerous things , including my issues with perfectionism.

My motto used to be  If I cant do it myself I am a failure . The motto was mainly set aside for the purposes of house work and household management!   I have had to rely on my husband to do dishes, laundry and cooking.  All things which are prevented by my injury.  I am very grateful for my husband and daughter who have had great servants hearts towards me.  I am the one who has had to let go of the fact that dishes will lay in the sink long after a meal. No worries we are now using paper plates.

Before my injury, I thought that if the house was not perfect shape then nothing else could be done until it was! As you may have guessed, I didn’t participate in many fun things! My perfectionism was holding me back in all areas of my life. My days are now spent resting and spending time with my daughter and husband. My plans are to make relationship over perfectionism my priority! My days are spent resting in the presence of our saviour, who was begging for my heart before. He was crowded out by business and perfectionism.  Daily I’m learning to make Jesus and my family priority over organization and housework!

 

Conversation with Jesus

Stand  in awe and amazement at me. Gain reverence for me . You are lacking the deep desire and longing  for me.  Seek me with all your heart and you shall find me.

I don’t want crumbs of your day.  Nor do I want the leftovers of your day.  I want your first fruits of the day.  Stop looking to others.

I am more than enough. My child I will not beg you.  I know you feel the tug of the Holy spirit.

Listen to the gentle whisperings that it pours into your heart and soul.  Be still let me fill you with  my love.  So that we may know each other deeper each moment.

Stop filling your day with so much busyness of your mind.  Focus on one matter at a time.  Dont be idle in your day.  Idleness breeds discontentment, Which in turn gives birth to sin !

Set your focus on me , without straying to the left or right.  Narrow is the path.  Stay on the path.  You will not be led astray.  I will lead you where many will attempt to go and few will enter.

We are not to conform to the likeness of this world.  I give you a free will. There are two choices, Me or the world?  The world which will waste away in to nothing,or eternity which is beautiful beyond comprehension!

My talk with Jesus

I love when I have talks with Jesus through pen and paper.  This is my latest conversation with Jesus!  Jesus daddy please reveal to me the source and roots of my dizziness?  I had been feeling dizzy and overwhelmed with life , yes I know that Jesus should always be my first option for conversation! I admit sometimes it does not happen that way. The first thing that Jesus whispered to me was  2 Corinthians 5:6  Therefore we are always confident and know as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the lord . We live by faith not by sight.We are confident I say and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the  Lord. So we make it our goal to please him whether we are at home in our body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ that each one may  receive  what is due him for the things done while in the body whether good or bad.                                                                                                                                                                                    After reading the scripture and meditating on it  I was whispered the scripture 1 Samuel 8:9, Now listen to them but warn them solemnly and let them know what the king who will reign over them will do.  Next I heard him say sh sh  be still ,you are crowding me out , stop putting me in a box.  I  am alive and am your living Father . Let me feed you! Stop reaching to the outside for what is only found in me.  Do not fear  I am for you, what I have done for them I will do for you.  I stand at the door of your heart, please answer  your heart and let me in. You can walk to the ends of the earth searching for a solution or you can stop and rest in me, for I am the solution.  I have room for you  in my lap, you only have to crawl up there.The work is in my hands not yours, why struggle when you truly don’t have to. Stop pushing me away, instead draw near to me and I will draw closer to you.  As a baby you must drink spiritual milk , just as a baby must move on to solid foods, you also must move on to solid food.  Just as a baby learns to crawl before they walk then they must learn to walk before they run, so must you.  As a baby learn s to crawl sometimes they fall flat on their face , that is when their mom gently picks them up and lovingly nudges them to try again.  I am your loving Daddy , when you fall I will lovingly place you back on the floor to resume crawling. When a toddler  learns to walk they will at times tip and fall. Just as a mom kisses your owies, I am here to kiss them as well and place you back on your feet when you are ready.  When you are tired let me carry you in my loving arms. When you become confident in who you are through me then and only then you will be set free to run!  For now snuggle into Daddy’s loving arms and drink the spiritual milk, don’t be too quick to eat solid food.  Let me nurture and wean you  when the time  is right. Listen to me to avoid unnecessary falls.  My arms will always be open.  Learn to rely on me as an infant relies on its mom!

If you dont stop on your own your health will stop you !

My life has been so busy lately.  I found myself not being able to finish or concentrate on anything. Are you familiar with the expression  burning the candle at both ends? That expression is exactly how I was feeling, as if I was burning the candle at both ends, with no rest in sight! My mind felt as if it were  in a deep smoky fog, so dense that I could not even see my own hand in front of my face.  I knew something had to give.  After spending a few moments pondering  on what I thought I could give up, I came to the conclusion without consulting God that nothing could give ,everything  in my life had to stay! That is where I made my first mistake.  Of course something needed to give ,who was I kidding.  I could not think or finish one task on my treacherous to do list . The super mom cape needed its strings cut.  I was not about to be the one who  cut them.   Guess what I didn’t have to cut them.  My Daddy Jesus cut them for me today. Around noon I started feeling really weird shaky and dizzy . Normally at 1pm the child I do childcare for arrives.  I knew with the room spinning, that I would not be capable of caring for a two-year old.  I called and regretfully told the father of the child, I cannot sit for you today. I am not feeling well.  Once again I tried to pick up my cape and proceed to get things done. Clearly with the room spinning this was not going to happen.   That is when I realized that I was not meant to work today .  With dizziness rest was happening whether I wanted it or not.  I chose to talk to Daddy Jesus about this rest thing and the dizziness. This day that I had chosen for another busy day, was altered by my health deciding that  it was time to spend some time in prayer and conversation with papa Jesus. Tomorrow   I will post what was spoken to me while I was in prayer and resting.  Until tomorrow I am resting without having to be pulled down by dizziness .  The lesson I learned today ,the hard way was, I will either stop on my own or my health will stop me  and  it will not send and invite first!

Fathers love letter

Yesterday as I was fasting my morning internet to get closer to Jesus , he spoke to me ! Here is what he said :  I love you my precious beautiful daughter. Please stop seeking validation and self-worth from others.  I am more than enough for you.  It’s okay for you to embrace my love.  I  am the one who gave my life and shed my blood for you.  Let my tenderness, mercy , grace and love snuggle you like a blanket. Relax lean into me. I want to be your all. Let me be the one you go to when you are facing trials and difficulties.Stop seeking the worlds face. Replace your desire for   seeking the world with genuine passionate desire for my face! When you wake in the morning I want to be in your first thoughts and desires.  Make me your all.  Let me be enough. Turn from your wicked selfish ways.  Walk beside me. Hold my hand, can’t you feel it reaching for you.  Sh sh my child let the chatter of your mind evaporate.  Be still ,do you feel the peace surrounding you like a cocoon? Embrace the gentleness of my touch.  It’s really for you.  Let go of your past hurts.  Give them all to me.  Surrender your life to me .  Let me turn your darkness to light. You  cannot hide anything from me.  I see all of your thoughts . Renew your mind with my word daily.  I  will not leave nor forsake you. Though others may give up on you, I  will not.  Turn from seeking a worldly hand, which may fail you to my hand which will never fail you !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Project Un-Pile my heart and home

The dictionary defines un piling as the act of disentangling or taking from a pile.  I have decided to embark upon this project to un pile my heart and home, in order to bring more clarification  to my life.  I have always been a firm believer that what is on the outside is a reflection of my heart. Upon examining my heart and home, I  became aware of the similarities  in both. I think of my heart as having several different rooms that all flow into one big  area , each affecting the other in some way. In comparison to my heart when my home lies in shambles , each room flows into the other without any separation of purpose for them.  In all honesty although it is somewhat embarrassing to admit my home and heart are laying in piles . I have tried to think of a better word to describe them. Each time I came back to the word piles.  Although  piles  is   an unlovely and definitely  is  not a  brilliant  sounding word , it’s the one which fits .  In the past when I  would attempt to find some order in my home an overwhelming feeling of despair came over me and I always gave up before I really even started.  Oddly enough using word piles sums it up for me and makes it an easier and less daunting project.  I’m recovering my heart and home one pile at a time!